have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
