A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
