Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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