I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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