Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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