You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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