i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
