I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
