I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
