That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
