Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
