I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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