Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Ketchup is God's man juice
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
