dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Let's get the cat blown out
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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