i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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