Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
