I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
