I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
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