Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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