I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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