I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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