Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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