If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Randomize
