if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
how do flat chested girls get laid?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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