you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
