First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
