Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
