I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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