I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
