Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
