I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Randomize
