every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
