Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
