How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You were trust falling into bushes
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
