Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
