apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
