If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
