I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
