So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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