I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
