his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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