did you get engaged???
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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