I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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