Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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