Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
