Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
