Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
someone owes me an orgasm
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Randomize
