Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
