I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
