remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
