Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
